Here is a BUNCH of my really really old poetry and short writings. Most of them arent dated, but i wish i was still writing like this. Because im pretty darn good, if i do say so myself...







I wish i was with you now,
but im so far away,
and to reach you i dont know how,
the distance is truly insane
I wish that i could see you now,
because i miss your pretty little face,
and i just want you to know,
that it hasnt all fallen from grace
I wish i could hear you now,
and hear the odd little things you say,
but to hear you i dont know how,
because i am so far away
I wish i could hold you now,
and wipe the tears from your eyes,
because i swear, that somehow,
from far away i can hear your cries
But one day it will be alright,
this much i can say,
from this dark place i see the light,
i wont always be far away.

~~~~~~

Today i will try
But i wont succeed.
But atleast i'll try

Today i will wake
But i'll fall back asleep.
But atleast i'll wake

And today i will fail
and i know i will fail
even if i try.

And today i will let you down like always.
'Cause you let me down.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I dont want to do this.
What makes me think i can follow through?
i could just give up...
its so much more than i should do.
But honey, im not a quiter.
i never once gave up a fight.
yet all of that was different...
This just dont seem right!
And i know how it goes,
no one ever said life was fair.
Thats why when i state my case,
nobody ever cares.
Infact they make it harder.
My soul they try to break.
like thieves, they steal my sanity,
but my strength no one can take.

Im not like you
If i fall
No one will catch me

Not much you can do
If i run
No one will fetch me
~~~~~~~~~~

Hey little girl,
you know absolutely nothing...
absolutely nothing at all.

You've never felt pain
the way i have
you've never felt dissapointment
the way i have

I watch you
as you sit on your pedestal,
spoiled and pampered...

But still you cry,
"NOTHING'S GOOD ENOUGH"

You crown has not enough diamonds,
Well, i dont have a crown at all...
Your clothes are to scratchy,
like your razor blade...

cutting
and cutting
and cutting
away at that pretty, young skin.

Ignorance
thats the culprit.
Blindness
thats the culprit.
and a terribly need for
acceptance

am i your reason?
did i corrupt you,
little girl?

If you ask me to clean you
make you whole again....

I wont be able to touch you
with these dirty hands of mine!
I'll only dirty you up
even more...

And if you ask me too help you,
i'll want to hold you close
and make you all better...

But i wont

I can't help you now

Little girl.

~~~~~

One of these days your going to regret the things you say to me.
One of these days your going to try to change the way things use to be.
But im guessing that they wont invent a time machine.
So im gonna make you see all the things that i have seen.
Gonna make you feel all the ways you made me feel.
Gonna love you till you realize that my loves not real.
And when your old and lying on your death bed.
Before i take a hammer to your fucked up head.
Im gonna torture you the way you always tortured me.
There will be not a soul to help you if you scream.
Gonna tear out your tongue and tell you that your crappy.
Gonna rip your heart out just like you did mine daddy.
There will be nowhere for you to run for cover.
Gonna stab you in the back so sit still mother.
When i was little you never heard me cry or whine.
So i pretend that im always just feelin' fine.
I've always been your penny that could never shine.
But i dont worry now i know that i'll get mine.
But do not worry now because you know in time.
If i get mine i'll make sure that you both get yours.
Is there anything that you can do?
Well, of course,
You cant make up a lifetime of misery.
But maybe you could try and just be nice to me

~~~~~~~~~~

1.18.06

Oh, how i roam

the house i never lived.

And oh, how i live for

the house ill never roam.

Wandering through here,

as if i have turned blind.

But i will die before

i call this place a home.

~~~~~~~~

Thursday 16/02/2006

Its not so bad

to be alone.

But to be lonely,

well thats a harder show.

The most painful thing, i would say,

is to be happy.

When i think about someone i love, i smile. But then it hurts me to remember that they arent with me.

When i think about good things from the past, i smile. But its painful to realize that they are gone. They are gone forever and i will never see them again.

Or when a good memory, of good times, with good people comes into my head, i can laugh to myself and be happy for a few moments, but its so sad to notice that its just a memory. Just a memory...

~~~~~~~~

I find human nature interesting. Now, interesting is not always a good way to describe something. I should really say disgusting.

What is it with people? Why is it so important to do anything and everything to be accepted into society? Why is it so important that you're even willing to trade your personality for someone elses. So important that you would lie and forget the most important virtue of them all:

HONESTY.

~~~~~~~~

Thursday 18/05/2006

..> The world is like a library, and every person is like a book.





To me, the world is like one giant library; and every person is like a book. Everyone has there own story to tell.

Thats the way i see people. As stories. Some of them i dont care to read, and some of them are so interesting to me...

Especially the odd ones. No, not the ones with pink hair and nose rings. Those people arent odd. They just WANT to be odd. Its the ones who sit silently by themselves, not a friend in the world, who have this look on their face. This look that tells me that they know something that everyone else doesnt know, but wants to know.

Whenever i encounter people like this, they stay with me in my mind...forever, it seems.

I remember this one girl. Whenever i would go to the movies, she would be there. She always went by herself. And she always went at the same time as me and my 'friends'. It wasnt planned or anything. She didnt know us, and we didnt know her. It was just fate.

I would look at her as she waited to be picked up after the movie was over. I noticed everything i could about her. I noticed her facial expressions, mostly. Although she appeared completely aloof, i could see how she felt in her eyes. She felt alone, but she felt content with that. She didnt have friends, but she didnt need them. She knew she was odd, and that was okay.

Something about her made me envy her; and nowadays i wonder if i've turned into her.

Then there are these two men that come in and get ice cream from me almost daily. The first one looks like someone you could just trust completely. Like a little kid or something. I sense this childlike mind in him. Yet i can see he's up there in age because he's starting to go bald.

He is friendly to everyone. He is sweet, and he is charming, and he always has something interesting to say. Yet everytime he leaves, people say he is weird, and he always comes in alone. Never with any friends.

I would be his friend, but i find it hard to talk to him. Despite the fact that he always comes up to me and starts a converstation with me, that usually is about something im VERY interested in, i cant seem to say anything. I just appear uncommfortable and uninterested. Which im not. But thats how i start acting.

But he talks to me anyways. I think he can sense who i am as much as i can sense who he is. I can tell he is full of knowledge. I can see that he is alone, but he's not lonely. There is a difference between lonelyness and being alone. He doesnt need people to be his friends. He just needs them to keep bringing him some source of knowledge.

I think to him people are like trading posts. He shares a little knowledge with them, and in return they share a little knowledge with him.

The second man is completely different from the first.

From the moment i first saw him, i knew who he was. He was alone. Very alone. Depressed and depressing. And had very little interest in speaking to people.

He always use to order the same thing. A chocolate milkshake. When he actually ordered it, his voice would be shaky. As if he was scared to talk to me. Now he doesnt even get ice cream. He just gets a brownie.

Today i pulled up to the resteraunt thats right next to where i work on my bike, because thats where the bike..place...is. As i was locking my bike, i noticed that man sitting right infront of me. He was sitting at a table, with his head down, and two drinks infront of him. One was clear, like water. The other was dark brown, like cola. At first, i didnt think much of it. I just figured i'd better get a fresh brownie ready becuase he probably would be in to get one soon. It was Noon.

But then at 5:15pm, more than five hours later, i was unlocking my bike so i could go home, and i noticed that he was still there. He was at the same table, with his head down, and two drinks infront of him. One was clear, like water. The other was dark brown, like cola. And the cups were in the exact same place. The only difference was that he had a ciggarette in his mouth. He wasnt even smoking it. It was just in his mouth.

I am so intrigued by this man. If he was a book, i would buy him and most certaintly love the story he has to tell.

But he's not a book. So all i can do is wonder about him.

The two things all these people have in common, as different as they may be, is number one: they all have that look on their faces. As though they know something that noone else knows, but everyone wants to know. They just dont know that they want to know.

The second thing is that i think they all are sorta like me. Somehow, deep down, without realizing it, i relate to them. I find common ground with them, and thats why they spark such interest in me.

Maybe from others points of view, i am like those three. Im the girl who does everything alone, and sees no problem with that. Im like the man who constantly searches for knowledge. The man who is always willing to be a friend, but never seems to have any. And like the man who seems to be trapped inside himself and his own mind. Unwilling to venture out into the real world. Like the man who spends some much time in his own imagination, that he forgets about time and how fast its passing him.

Maybe im like all three rolled up into one, and im just starting to realize it. Maybe everyone realized it along time ago. Or maybe noone thinks about me, and noone has realized anything about me. Maybe.

But sometimes i do wonder if other people see me the way i see other people. Does anyone look at me and try to put a name and a story to a face? Sometimes i wonder if anyone wonders about me. Would they want to read me? Would they read my book? Sometimes i wonder about things like that.

But i dont ask.

..>

~~~~~~~~

Say hello to never.


I caught a birdie flying in the sky last night.

I think ill take her home and put her in a pretty little cage, where i can look at her forever. Ill give her water every morning, and a silk sheet over her cage at night.

We wouldnt want to let any light in, now would we?
It might be bad for her.

Its a good thing im so nice. If i wasnt here for birdie, she might miss all the friends i saw her flying around with in the sky last night.

But now she has a new friend.
Me.

And if birdie ever gets sad, ill be here for her.
Ill just tell her this:

Birdie, i love you. I dont want you to leave me. You can stay in the pretty little cage beside my window forever. Maybe that doesnt sound as nice as being outside, and being free.

But if you close your eyes, and say hello to never,
youll never have to see the day again.

And if you close your eyes, and sing a song forever,
you'll never have to think of life again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you ever get the feeling that you knew everything? That you had the exact plan to make everything perfect? Did you ever keep it all inside and hide it and protect it from all the things in the world that could shatter it?

Well, what if it that dream was kept safe behind your eyes, where noone could reach it but you, when in all actuallity YOU are the one most capable of destroying it?

Then how would it feel? It wouldnt feel very nice, let me tell you. It wouldnt feel very nice at all...



Its hard to go from making a plan and feeling so confident about it, to feeling like your plan is nothing. Like it isnt worth it. Like there is something better.

Its hard to choose between solid ground and a black hole. With solid ground, you know exactly what to expect. With a black hole, you dont. And i guess the choice just depends on what kind of person you are.

I would choose the black hole in a heart beat. My heart tells me to choose the black hole, but my brain tells me to choose solid ground. So now im just left standing here CONFUSED. Maybe i should jump off a bridge.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I pray at night
that the lord will succumb
to all my plee's
ignore the rule of thumb
and let me start over

But he hasnt followed through...

I pray at night
for things to go my way
the very next morning
that very next day
and let me steer the wheel

But im always out of control...

I pray at night
that the pain wont come
that the tears wont come
and the blood wont come
with the rising of the sun.
Every day
i pray
for that!

But i still hurt so much...

Does anybody even hear me
other than those who occupy my brain?
Or am i just talking to myself
becoming more and more insane?

Why dont we question these things?
"Because we want salvation!"
I pray at night for the poor
but they live in starvation.

But we all still believe
even i do, i admit.
We cant help but need
to believe just a bit

Whether its waiting or not,
living with
the idea
of salvation
is better
than dieing
for nothing
but the eternity
of the blackness
in your coffin

-me

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.
Ambrose Redmoon

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.
Abraham Lincoln

A life spent in making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw

Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.
Edgar Allan Poe

Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.
Albert Einstein

I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and incur my own abhorrence.
Frederick Douglass

The imagination is far better at inventing tortures than life because the imagination is a demon within us and it knows where to strike, where it hurts.
Anais Nin

Writing permits me to be more than I am. Writing permits me to experience life as any number of strange creations.
Alice Walker

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, its a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.
Dr. Seuss

I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace; that two or more are called a law firm; and that three or more become a Congress. And by God I have had this Congress!
John Adams

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.
Mahatma Gandhi

Whether you think you can or think you can't -- you are right.
Henry Ford

The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are dimmed.
Albert Einstein

Live as you will have wished to have lived when you are dying.
Christian Furchtegott Gellert

Everything starts as somebody's daydream.
Larry Niven

Whatever is worth doing at all, is worth doing well.
Phillip Stanhope

It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Oh, I've had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat, and a parachute. If I had to do it again, I would travel lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances. I would ride more merry-go-rounds, I would pick more daisies.
Nadine Stair (c. 85 years old)

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
e. e. cummings

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity.
Albert Einstein

A ship in harbour is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.
William Shedd

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.
Harriet Beecher Stowe

Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact.
Henry James

My grandfather once told me that there are two kinds of people: those who work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was less competition there.
Indira Gandhi

Remember, a dead fish can float down stream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
W. C. Fields

"You know that things arent going well for you when you cant even tell people the simplest fact about your life, just because they'll presume you're asking them to feel sorry for you. I suppose its why you feel so far away from everyone, in the end; anything you can think of to tell them just ends up making them feel terrible." -Nick Hornby (a long way down).

I hate having this insomnia. I hate it, Hate it, HATE IT!

Im not normal because of it. I cant live my life. I've had this STUPID insomnia every since i was little. I've had it FOREVER! I dont think its medical, i think its just me. I dont know what it naturally feels like to get sleepy. I know what medically induced sleepyness feels like, but not natural, normal sleepyness. Damnit.

If i dont take any pills, i dont sleep. At night, that is. I dont sleep AT NIGHT. If i DO take the pills, i DO sleep. I sleep for 12 HOURS STRAIGHT. Which means i dont wake up until noon, and they make me sick. AND THEY ARENT EVEN PRESCRIPTION!!! I get Unisom from Publix.

I took the Unisom last night, knowing that they would make me sick, but not caring because i wanted SO SO DESPERATELY to get some sleep. I havent taken them the three days prior to yesterday, and therefore i havent gotten any sleep for like 3 days,... So i was desperate. Well, i didnt wake up until noon today, and i've been sick ALL day. Nauseas, and queesy, and constantly feeling like im going to puke. My eyes are itching, my throat is itching, i cant keep any food in my stomach... I hate it. I have to go to work tonight like this (but i always do). And i want to get ANOTHER JOB?!? Im going to have to fix myself and get myself straight before i go to work at Starbucks.

FUUUUUCCCK!

So i have a dilemma. Do i take the pills, and sleep alot, and be REALLY sick all the time, or do i NOT take the unisom, and NEVER sleep, which will eventually ALSO make me sick? Or do i just fucking kill myself EVERYONE I KNOW just for the hell of it?

Uggh... Im gonna go overdose and fall into a 6 yearlong coma now...BYE

Well, well, well... It looks like i may have ten minutes of peace to be by myself and write. FINALLY!



Anyhoo...,

My life has been a little calmer lately. Not that much has changed, but i think i have changed a little. I think i've sort of been broken. I dont rebel against things like i use to. I kinda just accept them for what they are, instead of trying to change them, or getting myself upset because i dont like them. Sure, there is alot about my life that i dont like. But i've learned to accept that reality is a disappointing place to live, and that theres not much i can do to change that. Plus, the end of the world isnt far off. I dont have much time left, so ill enjoy whats left of the world while i can, and i suggest you do the same.

Pakistan has been successfully test-firing nuclear missiles lately, and i dont think i have to spell out for you what that means for life on earth as we know it. The mayans predicted that the world would end on December 21st 2012 (my 23rd birthday). I've been telling everyone i know about the mayan prophecies, and they all just ignore me. Well, people, look around you. 12-21-2012 is only 6 years and 2 months away. Thats not a long time, and you only have 2 options. The first would be to try and stop it by putting an end to technology, which would simultaneously end wars. The second would be to become broken and empty and depressing like me, and just accept that you and everyone else only has 6 years to live.

And thats it.

So im back from spending two weeks in Wellington with my sister. I've only been back one day, and already i feel like im going crazy. Actually, i had a migraine and i could feel my nerves tensing up when i was only 15 minutes away from this house. This isnt a healthy place for me to be, mentally. And therefore physically.

But i had a good time at my sisters house. I got to spend time with her and Mikey, my nefew, which i dont get to do enough. And i got my Diploma while i was with her, and with her help, i passed the first time drivers license course and test while i was there. I got to have a break from work, which was good for me, even though i lost alot of money. And i got to have a break from these people i live with!!! THEY DRIVE ME INSANE. But maybe the best part of the trip was when she and Jason said that i could come live with them.


At first, it seemed like a bad idea. But then when i started using my brain to actually THINK, i realized that they are giving me the opportunity to get away from here. I hate it here. The one big thing i noticed when i stayed with Danielle those past two weeks was that i felt at home with her. I didnt feel stressed and nervous and mentally unhealthy. I felt...comfortable. Plus, i love her, and i dont think she would do anything to intentionally hurt me.
So i think, even though it will be hard, that i could live with them and be much better off. It is unfortunate, but my parents have always made my life a living hell, and i know that the sooner i get away from them, the better things will be. The reason me and my life is so fucked up right now is because my father put me in this situation, and he is selfish and lazy, so he is doing nothing to get us out of it. So there is no more "US". There is just a me, and a him, and i am getting out of here. He can do whatever the hell he pleases to do with his life, but i wont have it be my problem anymore.



So. Three months. Three months to work nonstop and save money for a car. Im not leaving until i get a car. Then im going to need furniture, plus the cost of living, so i better work, Work, WORK. And after i get all moved in and everything, im going to get a second job, because they are charging me 400$ for rent (which is pretty cheap), but im going to need to start saving up for college, and i cant do that by working at Coldstone alone.

I'll make it work. I can make anything work if i need it to work.


And im happy. I cant wait to move in with them, because i love Danielle, i love Mikey, i love Gabriel- my unborn fetus of a nefew-, and Jason is a great guy, too. I have alot of stuff to get done in the next three months, and im going to have to work, Work, WORK if i want to make it work. But it will be worth it.


Thursday is when i go back to work, and my life goes back to its old routine. GOODY GOODY. Somebody shoot me now. OH WAIT, dont shoot me til friday morning. I want to see Michael Ian Black on the Late, Late show Thursday night, but anytime shortly after that, feel free to shoot my brains out.

XOXO
loveamanda

I have good news for all of those out there who give a shit:

I passed my G.E.D! Not only did i pass it, but i got almost perfect scores. I got almost perfect scores on a test that most people are afraid to take, because they say its so hard. Most people dont pass the first time, so YES, i CAN brag, because i NEVER brag about anything, and im proud of myself for once.

I have a highschool diploma now! It says:

" DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION - State of Florida -
This certifies that AMANDA L. BYRD having satisfactorily completed all requirements of law and standards prescribed by the State Board of Education, thereby demonstrating satisfactory evidence of educational competence, is hereby awarded this HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA and is entitled to all the Rights and Privileges appertaining thereto."


So guess what? No longer can i be taunted or teased by any of you (or myself) for being a "High school dropout". Because now i am OFFICIALLY a HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE. SO thank. you. very. much. :)

XOXO
Love Amanda

I wish i had more friends lol. Not livejournal friends, real friends. GODDDD!!!! I miss school so much! Ha ha, its funny, ya know. Because i always hated school and never wanted any friends. Well, i guess i got what i wantED, but not what i want (NOW).


What i want now is a normal social life. I want to write again. I want to play music again. I want to act. I want Precious back. And Squanto.

I want myself to come back again.







I Googled myself yesterday (dont laugh), and the phrase that came back was, "Im looking for a girl named Amanda Byrd."



Yeah. So am I.

The stupid edge on the bathroom mirror keeps cutting me on my arm. The cuts are perfectly aligned and parallel from one another, so, OH GREAT! People probably thing i cut myself. Which is stupid. People who cut themselves on the arm are only just screaming for attention. I would never cut on my arm (the upper thigh has always been my preference).

Ha Ha.

Lately my mind has been so tumultuous. I have a million different thoughts spinning around in my brain; turbulent and churning like a black river trying to suck me down and drowned me. The thoughts crashing together like two out-of-control cars, leaving me physically ill and shaking.

Everyday the thoughts grow more perverse, depressing, and inappropriate. I try to bottle them up. Ignore them and make them disapear, but that just makes it worse. And i have all these feelings... I feel lost and so forgotten. I feel so lonely.

Its the loneliness that drives me mad.

In the year since i left school, i have been totally deprived of friendships and relationships. My social life had been totally ripped away from me. All of the people that use to love me have forgotten me. I have no one to talk to, no one to make me laugh. But mainly, i have no one to touch. I have no one to hold me.

Thats what i need the most right now. I need someone to hold me and make me feel human again.

But i have no one.





I feel like a soda bottle. Something keeps shaking me up, and the more shaken i get, the more likely it is that im going to explode. All it would take is the slightest touch from an unexpected someone to loosen the bottle cap a bit, and push me closer to exploding.


Yesterday i almost bursted. My brain was on fire, and i just wanted to be sedated. I was on the verge of a mental breakdown, and my skin was itching again like it use to, so i had no other choice but to itch it.

Self destruction doesnt seem like the best way to calm yourself down, but afterwards, i did feel calm. The turbulent waters became placid, and the cars came to a complete stop before they could crash into eachother. I felt like i was okay. I felt like everything would be alright.





So im better now then i was at the same time yesterday. The eye of the storm is a strange place to be. You just have to brace yourself and prepare before you get hit with the stronger side of the hurricane.

I dont know what is wrong with me lately. I feel like i am on the verge of a mental breakdown.


My mind is TORTURING me.




Its a good thing im a good actress. Noone knows that anything is wrong.

Please don't talk about tomorrow
I'm really not one to care
This world is filled with too much sorrow
That nobody's heart should bear.

'Cause the road is long, it's a long hard climb
I been on that road too long of a time
Yes the road is long, and it winds and winds
When I think of the love that I left behind.

Please, please give me indication
Stop and talk to me
Like a river that is flowing
My love will never cease to be.
(Bob Dylan)





You want everything to be just like
The stories that you read but you can't write
You gotta learn to live and live and learn
You gotta learn to give and wait your turn
Or you'll get burned
(B.Benson/J.White)






Well, let's do it, let's get on a plane and just do it
Like the birds and the bees and get to it
Just get out of town and forever be free
Forever, a word that we could say together
It could change if you want for the better
Just tug on my shirt and lay down next to me
(Jack White)

When it comes to my brother and sister, i dont really have too much to complain about. They like me a fair amount. They dont argue with me too much. Never ask me for too much money. And neither one of them have tried to murder me in my sleep.

So its all good. Usually.

But lately my little brother, Jimmy, has gotten into the habit of calling me early in the morning (and i mean before noon) to ask me how im doing. Thats sweet and all, but you know what... If its anytime before noon, then im probably sleeping. So thats how im doing. IM SLEEEPPPPIIINNNGGG! And if i took something at, like, 1am that same morning... Then i probably REALLY dont want to hear my annoying ringtone as early in the morning as 10:45, 'K?.

But i do love him. He's a bitch, though. But i love him.

Now, my sister...

She lives with her grandparents who are going out of state for 2 weeks next month, and she isnt allowed to go because she "is a disgrace to the family", because she had a baby with one man, and is pregnant with a DIFFERENT mans baby than the first, and isnt and never has been married.

Still with me?

So anyways, her boyfriend isnt allowed on the property, so i have to go stay with her. Which is fine, ya know.. I love her and everything. But now i have to take 2 weeks off of work and listen to Mark cry and moan and complain over it. Which i understand if marks ends up being upset. I totally do.

And in all honesty, i need a break, dont you think? All i've been doing for the past 6 months is work, and ive never taked more then 2 days off, so... I need a break.


I shouldn't feel guilty.

I still have absolutely no idea what i want to do with my life.

You know something? I've realized that although im not an indecisive person, i do have trouble making PERMANANT decisions. Take my hair, for instance. For about three months now, i've been saying i want it to be a lighter color. But when the 20th comes around (thats the day i usually dye my hair), i always get scared and just stick with black. But i have finally, after three long months, made up my mind to go lighter. I plan on getting it done this weekend. The only problem is that i havent made an appointment or anything, so i still have 3 or 4 more days to back out.

I always end up forcing myself to do things i become indecisive about. I was unsure about dyeing my hair black in the first place, even though i wanted SOOOO BAAADDD for it to be dark. I thought about it for atleast 6 months, and one day i finally just went for it. I've had black hair for more than a year now, and i've liked it more than any other color i've been. But it's time for a change. Plus, the black hair kinda makes me look sickly.


So now i have to decide what i "wanna be when i grow up". Thats a hard decision for me, because my general outlook on things is that you should never pick just ONE option, especially if there are several. Its like when people live in one place their entire life, even though there is an ENTIRE world out there. Or they get married, and have to be with ONE person there entire life. I dont understand why people do stuff like that, and people do stuff like that EVERYDAY. But i have alot of trouble commiting to things and people, which is probably why i have difficulty comprehending things like that. I dont like to commit. Just ask my hair.

Yesterday, i had my life-long career narrowed down to 2 things: Cosmetologist, or a Drama teacher.

But then today, it hit me that i dont want to touch other peoples hair and nails everyday, for the REST OF MY LIFE. And it would take YEEEAAARRRSS to become a Drama Teacher, only to have the drama program cut from the public school system by the time i land a job.

So now i have no options. Except that my last statement was totally untrue. I have lots of options. I just FEEL like i have no options.

I feel like i have no options and im running out of time to make up my mind.

UuUuGgHHH!!!!! Its all so FRUSTRATING!!!!

Hopefully it will all fall into place soon. Hopefully this hurricane will bring me some much needed luck and inspiration.

Body: Life:
.:. High School: No where. Im a total dropout loser.
.:. Junior High: Wow. There was so many. But mainly JD.
.:. Elementary: Once again, too many to name.
.:. Pre-K: It was in Palmsprings, but i dont remember the name.

:Favorite;
.:. Favorite Soda: SPRITE.
.:. Favorite weather: Sunny and windy, and about 65-70 degrees.

Do You:
.:. Like someone: No.
.:. Want more piercings: No.
.:. Want a tattoo: Maybe...i dont really know. My mind changes about that everyday haha.

Last:
.:. Person talked to in person: Lisa...
.:. Person talked to/texted on the phone: Jimmy.
.:. Person you hung out with: No one. I dont have any friends. BOO HOOO.
.:. Movie watched : The Baxter.
.:. Last Movie Saw In theater: Pirates of the carribbean 2.

Ever:
.:. Ever cried over a girl or boy: Not really.
.:. Ever had a friend die: Yes.
.:. Ever dated a cousin: Incest- Dat da way tew be!
.:. Ever finished a puzzle: Yes, but, i HATE puzzles!!!
.:. Ever got surgery: Yeah, when i was little.
.:. Ever hated someone: Yes.

Pick one:
.:. Blue or red?: Red.
.:. Spring or Fall?: OMOMOMOAWSAWR...Too hard to decide.

Random stuff:
.:. Do you speak a different language?: No.
.:. How old do you act?: I act like an old lady. A very sexual old lady. People are always teasing me about it.
.:. Braces: No.
.:. Do you have any pets?: PRECIOUS is my dog, and she is MY LIIIFFEEE.
.:. Mood?: Hungry.


The 4 W's Questions

Who is in the room with you: no one.

Who is the one person of the prefferred gender your currently love: What?

Who gets on your nerves the most from school: I dont go to school.

What was the last thing you ate?: Dinner last night.

What color pants are you wearing? Blue.

What is the closest item near you that is blue? My pants.

What are u wearing on your feet?: Paint Nolish.

What instant messaging service do you use?: NOTHHHIING.

What do you wear more, jeans or shorts?: Jeans.

What do you currently dislike? People. But whats new?

When is your birthday: December 21st.

Where is your cell phone?: Infront of me.

Where is your mom?: I really couldnt care less.

Where do you sleep?: On da skreets.

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing? From the mall.

Where did you last take a car ride to? Target.

Reason #186: Anus bleaching.
-By Rico Suave on August 22, 2006

Well, today was another pathetic attempt to pretend i have a normal life...


I woke up at 8 o'clock this morning, because i went to sleep so early last night. The vicodin had me passed out sometime before 11pm. I then fell back asleep until 10, got up and watched music videos on VH1, and then got dressed to go to Target.

I spent a good 2 hours at Target. Looking at clothes,...trying things on,...planning what to get my sister for her baby shower,.......Shit like that. All in all, i spent 82 bucks on 3 shirts, a pair of shoes, rubber bands, and some cough drops. EIGHTY TWO FUCKING BUCKS!!! On that CHEAP SHIT. And in all actuality, i dont even know why i got the black knee-high Isaac Mizrahi boots. I LIVE IN THE HOTTEST PLACE ON EARTH. I think i have a problem. Why would i need 36 dollars of black knee-high boots?!??!?!? Because, mentally, when i go shopping, i have no self control. Thats why.


After Target, i came back to the house, ate some Wendy's chicken nuggets, and watched The Weather Channel. Did you know about Eduardo? That is the hurricanes name, right? Eduardo? I dont know, its something Mexican that starts with an 'E', thats all i know. Ernesto? Yeah, i think its Ernesto.
Anyways. So Ernesto is suppose to hit us in like, 2 days from now. Everyone is out getting water, and filling up on gas and supplies, like its Katrina or something. But its not. Its that pathetic, weak peice of shit hurricane, Ernesto. I wish it was as stong as Katrina. Florida needs a Katrina. And i know your thinking, "OH, your going to regret saying that, Amanda." But im not. COME ON BACK TO FLORIDA, KATRINA. We're waiting. BRING IT ON, BITCH!

Reason #238: Myopic, hypocritical liberal self-righteousness. We are frequently no better informed, no more open-minded, and no more ethically committed than conservatives. The prevailing holier-than-thou atmosphere pervading 'progressive' circles makes me ill. A current instance of hypocrisy: liberals who claimed at the time to see through the Bush administrations various justifications for war, claimed to know that the real reason we were invading Iraq was control of oil supplies, and now wail about having been deceived. You don't get to do that. You can say 'I told you so'; but you can't have both. The phenomenon is related to the flabby lack of genuine engagement across the political spectrum, the belief that feeling bad when we see a photo of a starving child is enough to acquit us of our ethical responsibility. I don't expect everyone to sell their cars and give the proceeds to farmers' co-ops in Africa; I don't do anything like that myself. But the least we can do is be honest with ourselves about our real ethical and political positions.
-By Bill Snowden on August 22, 2006

First things first:

I didnt post anything about my dad ABANDONING me, so i'll quickly make a long story short-

My dad got drunk one night, walked out of the house and didnt come back. We didnt hear from him until three days later, and all he had to say was that he wasnt coming back. Then another two days passed, and he called again to say that he WAS coming back, after ABANDONING me to spend a week in Ft Myers getting fucked up with his illegal Honduras friend, Walter.



Now he is constantly making all of these pathetic little attempts to make me forgive him and forget. The only thing he hasnt tried to do was SAY SORRY. Which is fine, because not only do i already know he wont do anything (apologize, for instance) to make it seem like he is admitting to doing something wrong, but i dont give a shit anyways. He's still going to be a stupid motherfucker to me no matter what he does.

So. Thats whats going on with me and my dad.

Second things second-

Work. Work has actually been going very well for me this past month. Mark has been giving me TONS of hours, and i learned how to decorate cakes last night! Which you all know how much i love to DECORATE THINGS!!! Ill decorate anything. And i'll love it. I'll decorate the nub of an amputee victim. And ill love it. Plus, Marks wife (i feel terrible that i dont remember her name. But i never remember anybodys name.) told me i did a great job. Which made me feel good :)

So besides the fact that i broke an 800$ blender, gave the password to someone who got porn on my bosses computer, and convinced my manager that he should hire someone that is terrible with customers, and who has all the employees saying she's lazy.... I've been doing an excellent job at work.


Today was BORRRIIIIINNGGGG though. I worked with Tiffany. I think that there is something wrong with her. She walks around CONSTANTLY looking like she's about to burst into tears. And she follows me EVERYWHERE. If i want to go on the computer and have privacy, she's there. If im trying to BE BY MYSELF (like always) and text people, she's there. But she is very nice. Not so great with customers...But definately a very nice person. I do like tiffany alot, but she doesnt make a good co-employee.

IM HUNGRY.

...so i guess i hate myself? Because i must be pretty fucking idiotic not to get up and go pee, when i REALLLLLLLLLLY have to pee. And there is nothing stopping me. Except for the fact that i am very much interested in typing this very much useless journal entry.





????

Oh. My. God. You guys.... I spent the first half of my day SCARED SHITLESS, and shaking like a leaf. Then i spent the second half of my day completely numb on the left side of my face. Now, i cant eat solid food for the next month or so, and my mouth is really sore and tastes like blood. But i got a Motorola today. So even though i cant talk without pain, and i'm now officially on a long-term liquid diet, i'm still MOTOCOOL. Which is all that matters.